Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
