I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
