I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
