I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
