new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
She's like a pop up book from hell.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
