Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
