he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
