About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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