hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I stole a fireplace last night.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
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