I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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