I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
