Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
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