the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
