She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
