Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
