What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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