I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
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