i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
