Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
