It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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