I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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