mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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