All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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