when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
