that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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