never play flip cup with pint glasses
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
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