Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I have fence marks all over my body
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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