I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
