I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
