girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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