I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
