so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
