You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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