Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
