omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
