I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
