Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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