If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Randomize
