i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
