do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
