Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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