Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
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