My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
