i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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