you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
you win again, gameday.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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