you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
