just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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