Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
