imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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