The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Randomize
