You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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