with your own penis?
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
