Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
