Don't you send me to vm
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
