Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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