I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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